The Apple Store: How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

The Apple Store has the worst shopping experience in the world. No store enrages me like this stupid concept of a store.

All I wanted to do today was process a post-purchase trade-in. I wanted to do this in person because 2 years ago I processed a trade-in by shipping it back via FedEx. That was a disaster because FedEx seemed to “lose” my package for a time. Read more about that debacle here. For this trade, the device has been reset and the process started online. All they have to do is examine the device and process it. The problem is you can’t easily get to anyone to do it.

The Apple Store is meant for people who don’t know USB-C from Lightning or HDMI from DisplayPort. It’s for people who have difficulty turning their phone on. It’s for people who don’t know what a file system is and don’t care.

Here are some of the things I hate about it.

1. Apple employees are just floating around
   • There are a lot of Apple employees seemingly standing and just chatting
   • What do they do?
2. Apple customers are aimlessly milling about
   • They’re milling about because there is no designated place to do anything
   • Want a case? Pick one up from the shelf
   • There is no cashier. You have to find a milling about employee who is not already chatting with someone
3. Talk to one Apple Employee and they send you to another
4. When you finally get to the right person they “check” you in and send you to a table
5. Waiting at a table there are other customers just standing about
   • Are they shopping?
   • Are they waiting for help like you?
   • Are they just standing there waiting for a friend?
6. You wait for help
   • And wait
   • And wait
   • And wait
   • There is no way to tell your position in the queue
7. When you finally get to an employee they act as if Apple is a gift from God
   • The fake enthusiasm for expensive tchotchkes is maddening
8. If you’re picking something up from an online order there is no designated place to pick it up you have to find a floating employee to talk to
   • They inevitably direct you to the desk in the back of the store
   • This desk has nebulous lines waiting for employees that float about behind the desk
   • There’s no way to know which line leads to which employee
   • There are times you get to the front of the line and the employee you’re standing in front of says something like, “oh, she’ll need to help you” and directs you to the person standing next to him who is knee deep in helping someone else through some lengthy process
   • You then either cut everyone in that line because you’ve been waiting so long or you get shoved to the back of a new line
9. There is more information on how long you have to wait at a deli counter. At least they have paper numbers on a ticket or there is a discernable line
10. The store is designed to frustrate. It’s sadistic. It’s an abusive relationship with their customers where their customers take a beating and ask for more

What did I end up doing today? I left before I was helped. I could not stand waiting any longer when there is no way to know how long I’m going to have to wait. I hate the “Apple Store Experience” so much that I’d rather take my chances shipping the device again with FedEx (Not to worry the tracking ogre will be watching the device’s every move).

If you don’t have to set foot in one of these stores… don’t. There has never been a time when I left there feeling happy with what has transpired.

Why do I buy Apple products if it makes me so angry? I’m a martyr for my wife’s happiness. She likes their products. She never asks me for one I just get it for her because I know she likes it. This is pain I give to myself. It’s my annual self-flagellation.